I have fixed the iPod. Repeat: I have fixed the iPod.
It took some time, and was a pretty delicate procedure, but my trusty buddy seems to be working fine now.
The steps I took to fix said iPod:
1. Cursed several times and resisted the urge to stick out my tongue at the iPod
2. Realized I was probably putting too much pressure on it to perform
3. Gently disconnected all cords and laid it face down on my spare bedroom bed, nestled among pillows and blankets and flipped off the light
4. Ignored any and all thoughts or sightings of the iPod for a full day and a half
5. Turned it on while whispering "pleaseworkpleaseworkpleaseworkpleasework..."
6. Kicked up my heels when Trent's voice flowed from the earphones.
See. Easy. ;-)